"This one's dedicated to all the ladies with fat arses!" he bellows, by way of introduction to a new song, apparently called Arse Like That. If you find Alt-J's performance on the Other stage a little bookish and opaque for a festival crowd – they perform an unrecognisable cover of Kylie Minogue's Slow, decorated with the keyboard riff from Dr Dre's Still Dre – then the Pyramid stage appearance by Dizzee Rascal provides a striking counterpoint: certainly no one in their right mind is going to protest at the opacity of his approach to live performance. Still, even without them, there's enough variety on offer. "Tonight I'm a rock'n'roll star," says Gallagher, "at 11.30 in the fucking morning." None of them are true: in reality, the secret guest appearance comes from Liam Gallagher's Beady Eye, who take to the Pyramid stage at an improbably early hour on Friday. And David Bowie, we are earnestly informed, is going to appear on stage with the Rolling Stones, giving rise to the flatly horrifying thought that he and Mick Jagger might favour us with their cover version of Dancing in the Street. Almost nowhere in the festival is safe from an imminent guerilla gig by Daft Punk.
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The rise of the web and the smartphone was supposed to have done for that kind of thing, but this year the spirit of the unlikely Glastonbury rumour seems to be abroad once again, although this time the stories are concerned not with the sad demise of the tennis-loving Peter Pan of Pop, but with a plethora of secret guest appearances.
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For a period in the early 90s, a story seemed to be passed around every year that Cliff Richard had died, while in 1995, the news that John Redwood was launching a leadership challenge to then-prime minister John Major somehow got mangled into a report that the entire Tory government had resigned en masse. I n the pre-internet age, the Glastonbury festival was famously a hive of bizarre rumours about what was going on in the outside world.